Archive for Opinion

Will It Ever Stop?

October 19, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / 2 comments
2710464400 0fd7f7c94e Will It Ever Stop?

question mark © by Karen Eliot

Will it stop?

Will it ever end?

Is there anyway I can make it better?

Can I make it go away?

Another day, another child bullied once again. Another dead teen. Will my teen be next?

I think I can remember the first time my daughter was bullied at school so much it made her cry. It was a fall day and her grade 2 year was just beginning. She came home at lunch and laid her head on the table and asked me. “Mom, why are the kids so mean?” I asked her to explain, my daughter being the perceptive kid that she is  said “They won’t play with me, they call me names”. Exclusion began at an early age for my girl.

By the time we got to grade 5 there had been several incidents but none prepared us for what lied ahead. We moved to small town Nova Scotia, where I thought my daughter would thrive, but instead my daughter went through a year of what I refer to as hell on earth. Early in the year she tried to befriend 2 sisters who lived down the street, she invited them to our house, there was an incident ( one of the girls stole from a change dish that I kept out), after that the hell began. Two weeks later, these girls and a small army of 8 fellow 10 and 11 year olds, beat my daughter on her way home from school, just steps off school property. She had bruises and cuts that reminded her for weeks what had happened. Teasing, taunting, fear all became apart of my daughter’s life. The school principal did not take it seriously, nor did the trustees, and the police, well they told me there was little they could do until the kids turn 12. So I blogged it, wrote the newspaper, and prayed. At the end of grade 5 I had had enough so decided to move to Halifax.

A new school, a new year, or so I prayed, but again the bullying began. This time it wasn’t the physical harm. There was just the teasing and the taunts, the exclusion. Those things matter and leave emotional scars that I think are far worse than the physical ones sometimes.

So we moved again, back to Toronto, and the TDSB where I had had some success in getting my dear daughter feeling like she mattered, feeling like she belonged. After years of abuse at the hands of the bullies though, I began to feel like I was losing my daughter. Rarely does she genuinely smile and laugh and her thoughts take her to very dark places. Last year she became the bully when she reacted to the taunts and teasing of other kids, so much so that she was unwelcome at her school. For the last 2 months of the 2010-2011 school year, my daughter was excluded from an education because the board could not meet her needs.

Now this week, after the best start to a school year she has had in years, there was an incident, hair was pulled, words spoken, the investigation is still ongoing but I am a mom who fears for her daughter and the days ahead.

Yesterday the school psychologist called, they have just finished the assessment that they did. It is clear that my daughter has a learning disability, it has to do with processing. She is not autistic or on the spectrum, there may be signs of ADHD, but what worries the psychologist most is my daughter’s mental health. I am a  mom who is drawing a conclusion here the years of bullying have left a huge emotional dent in my daughter, depression is at the door. So I think I have the right to worry, as I see the toll bullying is taking on our kids.

I ask myself every day, will it end? How can I help her to have a good day.

Does bullying concern you?

What do you think can be done?

 

 

 

Category: Family, Opinion / Tags: , , ,

Money, Money Fixing a Broken System

October 17, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / No comments
5659908590 a2fb90dfc0 Money, Money Fixing a Broken System

Money © by AaronPatterson

There is an old saying money doesn’t grow on trees, but sometimes we live like that. We have been living like it sprouts from the ground for years. We have taken on personal debt, provincial debt and country debt..we are a globe in crisis, really. We are on the brink.

Canadians really have had it lucky in the overall scheme of things but we have not been unscathed. The Occupy protests that began on Wall Street in New York have a reason, and as much as we may not want our downtown core disrupted we actually do need the wake up call.

Having lived in both the United States and Canada, I have seen some differences but here too we have the corporate draining our system. These protests will not go away for a long time nor should they in my opinion and here is why we need them- We need more accountability in place.

Having been amongst the poorest in this country for many years, I learned it is important not to just give a bail out like we did with the corporate world in 2008, and then we turned around and threw money into the economy that was literally coming out of no where. So now there needs to be a day of reckoning. If I spend money I don’t have, or write a check for money that is not in my account it is called fraud. We have overextended ourselves and there has been no day of reckoning, no accountability. That is what has really been missing.

Along with the accountability, we need to get back to when it was good to help your neighbour succeed, instead of giving hand outs, give skills, educate, teach, share,in that way we can make better communities. Banks need to get back to helping the little guy. Small businesses globally make sense. Buying in your community makes sense, sharing makes sense. Lets start using some good old fashion common sense and look at the hard issues.

 

Category: Opinion / Tags: ,

Creating the Perfect Costume

October 10, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / One comment

All last week I promised my 13-year-old daughter I would take her shopping, costume shopping that is. usually we have created her costumes over the years from stuff at home. Frugal, smart, maybe, cheap yes! But this year she considers it her real last year to go trick or treating so she wanted and wants the perfect costume. She saved and budgeted for it. She dreamed it, and then when her school decided that it would be turning the school into a haunted doll house for Halloween she knew she just had to be a bat queen.She says she can hang out near the roof.

I think her desire to be a bat might come from being born in Carlsbad, New Mexico where thousands of bats make a nightly flight.

So bat queen shopping we went. First store we hit market themselves as the largest costume store in Canada..as we hunted for perfection my dear daughter started to get angry with what she saw. As she tried on costume after costume, the more frustrated she got.

051 224x300 Creating the Perfect Costume
Can you see the issues she might be having? Everything was too short. Too sexy. My dear daughter said and I quote” Everything makes me look like a Halloween Hooker”

Since when do we even have to sexualized costumes for tweens? and I even saw some for younger kids as well? Do you, do I really need to send my daughter out the door looking like a tramp?

My dear daughter and I left store A and went to store B which was a brand new Halloween store that opened right near my daughter’s school. Again there were the Halloween hooker outfits as Rachel called them. At this store Rachel looked over to the boys costumes and said “Mom why is it that boys get decent costumes that can cover a body while us girls get garbage?”

We went on to store C a major retail chain store that is both American and Canadian and again it was more of the same.

My tween came home without a costume, and frustrated because she had this vision.

So after our morning in High Park yesterday, we headed to Value Village on the suggestion of one of my twitter friends..Again we saw the Halloween Hooker outfits but we found other options as well especially in the used area. Finally she found her perfect black dress..she then found bat wings. She now has purple and black tights, a black dress, wings, a purple necklace and a crown..so finally after much searching we were able to make her costume dream a reality.

But what is with the sexualization of our kids costumes? What do you think when you take your teen, tween or teen to get a costume these days, especially if you have a daughter. How are you able to get your daughter a costume that is decent? What have you had to do?

If young teens are noticing the sexualization of the costumes shouldn’t we as parents be saying a bit more?

 

 

Category: Opinion / Tags: , , , ,

Beyond Bullying

September 26, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / One comment
winter 08 09 186 Beyond Bullying

Rachel's lip

More and more every day we are hearing or reading about children being bullied in our schools, in our neighbourhoods and in our communities. It is beyond epidemic level. I was sadden this week to read about the death of another local child. I first read a post on Yummy Mummy and then today the Toronto Star had the child on their front page.   It has become a plague that has now practically become a right of passage for our children. Children are being bullied at younger and younger ages. No longer is it just teens killing themselves because  it, the victims who take their own lives to escape it are getting younger and younger.
My dear daughter was almost one of them. At the age of 10 she told me she wanted to die. Her exact words were “Mom, I would rather be dead then have to go back to that school for one more day”.
She was in grade 5 when the bullying was at its worst. I orginally wrote about the bullying on my old blog here.Once she was beaten up on the 5 minute walk home from school and was left black and blue. All those children that attacked my daughter were under the age of 12. What child learns that it is ok to beat up another child? What child thinks it is ok when 8 gang up on one? My daughter at the time attended a school in small town Nova Scotia. I called the principal who said because it happened off school property there was nothing he could do.I called the police but because they were all were under the age of 12 there was nothing they could do but speak to the kids. My dear daughter never came home from school alone in that town again. On another occasion, she was pushed down on the ice by 3 of those who had been involved in the previous attack at recess. The principal wrote if off as an accident. Well that accident left my daughter needing 5 stitches for a lip that was torn and bleedingfor 3  hours. Again the school, and then the trustee and then the board did nothing to protect my child. I blogged it, I wrote the paper and I talked and talked and found it was written off as rough housing. My daughter changed in front of me. She withdrew. She hated life. She became a bully herself as I moved her the following year.
It has taken 2 years, therapy, anger management training and some wonderful people intervening in her life and blessing her for me her mom to hear joy in her voice again, to here her really laugh and for her to really begin to smile. It took a move to Toronto, and a new school after a false start to get her to where she is now but slowly we have been able to get beyond the bullying.
Now for us to get beyond the bullying though as a community we need to really grasp how serious an issue it is, we need to be talking about it more, we need parents to wake up and smell the coffee especially when it comes to this issue. If we don’t we will lose more kids, and we will lose them younger and younger. We need more of a dialogue on bullying, we need everyone at the table. Kids, Parents, and the community as a whole needs to stand up and be counted, and work together or I am very afraid the next parent who hears what I heard may end up burying a child and what a loss that would be. Are you ready to stand up and do your part?

Category: Opinion / Tags: ,

Reflection and The Biggest Lesson

September 10, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / No comments

With September 11 th being tomorrow, and it being the 10th anniversary, of the fall of the twin towers I have been a bit reflective.

I have thought about what it has meant personally. What it meant to my family, to us as a nation, and to us as global citizens.

Fist I remember well where I was when I heard the news. I was standing in my kitchen and had just turned on the radio, yeah back then most of us still listened to the radio. The first tower had been hit, and I turned on my tv just unfortunately as the second tower was hit. I thought of my cousin who worked nearby. Thankfully they were safe. I was glued to the tv so much that I wasn’t watching my then young daughter.

My dear daughter swallowed a toonie, it got caught in her lung pipe. She was suffocating to death slowly. I called 911. The ambulance took 15 minutes to come. We went sirens blaring to McMaster Hospital in Hamilton where for 7 hours she was in the emergency cardiac care unit with a private nurse watching her every labored breath till we could get an operating room and a pediatric surgeon. She was operated on at 2 am. Thankfully she was ok, but what a scare.My daughter almost was a casuality of 911.

I have thought about the costs to friends and family in the days since. My friend  was killed in Afghanistan. His father later died personally I think from a broken heart. My cousin who lives in England served in Iraq not once but 3 rounds of service. My brother in law also served in Iraq twice. Has there service and loss of life really done any good? Personally I think not.

Afghanistan is still a tribal country, with its own internal issues. The radicals use the war to fuel more hate. In Iraq you don’t have peace either just a mounting loss of life. Will the loss of life end anytime soon. Unfortuately not..trillions have been spent for naught. We have not helped.

Muslims have been put on trial, and not just the radical thinkers but mainstream progressive ones as well. If a woman wears a headscarf even here in Canada still she gets comments, or the look. If a man wears a beard he must be conservative, radical. A religon has been put on trial day in and day out.  For me personally that trial got me wanting to know more, understand more and lead to my conversion to Islam, as the faith at its very core teaches submission to the Creator, and a direct connection to him.

Canadians are no longer free to travel as we once were, border restrictions, passports needed, no longer is travel fun.

Globally there is fear and unrest everywhere.In the Middle East right now many are losing thier lives for simple human rights. In Africa there is famine and then the theft of the aid, in the Asia Pacific they are still rebuilding, In Haiti we have not come far enough, and then in North America we have this war on debt that no one seems to be able to fix.It can become overwhelming when we look at the state of the globe 10 years later and all the events that have happened in those years.

Sometimes we need to take a step back and think about it, and then think about what we can do individually. So what can you do today as you reflect?

What change can you bring to the table? What solution, what answer?

For me I think the global solutions start with each of us caring, with each of us sharing, with each of reaching out in love, in faith, in understanding. A revolution could be begun. A revolution of kindness and compassion but it needs to begin in each of us. We need to teach it in our homes, in our families, in our schools, in our religious institutions, we need a revolution of action that matter.

Category: Opinion / Tags: , , ,

Coming Apart At the Seams-Depression Kills.

September 6, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / One comment

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SfNjxINzPHg&feature=related]

Have you ever felt like your life was coming apart at the seams? I have.

Every year millions here in North America will suffer episodes of depression. The fact is 1 in 5 of us will go through at least one episode of depression in our lives.

Many that struggle with the illness, and yes it is an illness, get help and  many that struggle with it do not. Many decide that suicide is the only way out. This week alone I know of 3 suicides all after struggling with the disabling  depression.

I have struggled with the illness myself, so much so that I asked that question Why Me? and even planned my own death.

I was 33 pregnant with my daughter, and going through a very messy divorce. When I had been married I was step mom to 3 amazing kids, I thought we had a good family thing going and then in a heart beat it was gone. Not only was my marriage in ruins but I was also ripped out of these kids lives. I cried for weeks. Sobbed. Wondered why me? It came to a head that Thanksgiving Day 1997. It was Thanksgiving and I saw nothing to be thankful for. I was house sitting for friends who were away for the holiday. I sat there and thought about it all day. I thought my life was over, and I simply wanted an end to the pain, to the sorrow, to the grief.  I thought about how I could do it. How I would do it. I lied on the sofa thinking it through and then I thought of the unborn child I was carrying. I would be committing murder if I killed myself.

As I thought about my unborn child that gave me the courage to do one of the hardest things I have done and that is make a call asking for help. I went to Mental health clinic in the state where I lived at the time. I was offered meds to help regulate my body but because I was pregnant I refused the drugs, but took advantage of the counselling, of the talking. I need that most of all. I have had depressive episodes since as well but none as bad as that day, and I am thankful for that.

For me what keeps the depression at bay is rest, relaxation, time with God, walking and talking.

Depression is an illness and someone you know could be suffering in silence today.

In this rush rush world are we each taking the time to reach out when we know a friend is going through a rough time, and I mean really reaching out?

If you are suffering from depression let me tell you I know what it feels like, I know what coming apart at the seams is. I have been there and let me tell you help is out there. Please reach out for it.

This week is Suicide Prevention week.Let’s be kind to each other, and reach out. If you need help it is there. Here are some resources if you need them:

• Canadian Mental Health Association
• Mental Health America
• Mental Health Europe
• Mental Health Australia
• World Infant Mental Health
• Sheffield African Caribbean Mental Health Association
• Asian American Pacific Mental Health Association

Category: Opinion / Tags: , , ,

A Reply – TDSB and Muslim Prayer Service- A Muslim Perspective

June 30, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / 33 comments

I was just on Twitter and it buzzing about the Toronto District School Board not only allowing a prayer service in the cafeteria after lunch on Friday’s but using a “halal” menu for snacks. As I read the comments on Jihad Watch and Blazing Cat Fur I couldn’t help but need to respond and in more then just a comment.

You see I am a Muslim Mom. I am also a Canadian Muslim Mom. I am a 10th generation Canadian, who’s family settled in Ontario when Canada was a dream. My grandfather was one of our POW’s in WW2. So I am not some immigrant choosing to bring and force something on somebody. My grandfather and most likely many of my readers grandfathers fought for one thing: For Freedom to choose.

Choice is one of the reason many come to Canada, because they have choices given here. WE ALL have the rights of worship, we all have the right to eat food that is good for us and I thank God whom I choose to address as Allah.The fact though is some do not think that these choices should be given in a public school setting.

So if Muslim children can not have jummah( the Friday Prayer service that lasts about 30 minutes) in the school are we then ready to take every Christan, Jewish and other religious clubs that now meet in schools at lunch time, before school, after school out as well? These organizations have existed and used the buildings to see that all children who want to fellowship and worship together can.

As for a “halal” menu. I would think you would thank the parents for asking for it. “Halal” simply means not harmful and there are very strict guidelines. Any parent who has volunteered at elementary level with the snack program knows it isn’t farmed out. Most snacks are prepared right there in the cafeteria by parent volunteers. Most snacks in the TDSB have to include at least 2 food groups. There are strict guidelines and safety standards that are met by parents who volunteer time for this job. Most snack programs at are managed by parents in the case of this school most of these parents ARE Muslim.

Some interesting facts:

  • The area is densely populated with Muslim families who attend the local mosque.
  • Before the prayer services were begun Muslim boys especially were pulled from school for the entire Friday afternoon, as in Islam if a Muslim man misses 3 Friday prayers he is considered to of lost his faith.
  • Girls, women are welcome at jummah as well, and yes we do sit either at the back of the room,or behind a barrier( I have even seen a table with a rug thrown over it made into a makeshift one), or in another room.
  • Girls in Islam are not mandated to attend jummah prayer for them it is optional.
  • At that specific school I would guess you are looking at a 50% Muslim student population at least.
  • Another fact many TDSB schools also meet “kosher” standards would we get rid of that option as well?

By letting the school community dictate what is best for there individual school we give freedom, something I am sure we all enjoy having here in Ontario.  Really some of the comments on Jihad Watch and the Blazing Cat Fur scared me as a Canadian.

Another quick two facts it does not cost anything to have that we bit of prayer time on a friday, nor is it hurting any other child in the school. Facts are in many schools in the TDSB we have students gathering to pray and worship. If one goes they ALL must go. I think prayer is a good thing. I think it should be in the schools any way we can get it in and if you don’t believe in God you simply don’t have to join a prayer group.

Fact two is that much of the money used to by food for the snack program does not come from the TDSB it comes from the Foundation for Student Success who gets its money not only from the province but many corporate givers and charitable foundations including Mazon Canada who are the Jewish charitable arm in Canada that fights hunger. So is it is okay to TAKE money from a religious organization? and not allow religious dietary concerns to be looked at? What do you think? Really this muslim mom who used to help organize snacks wants to know?

Does prayer have a place in the TDSB in any form?

Should dietary laws come into play in any form?

And if you are not a follower of God in any form why do you get to dictate for those of us who do believe?

Category: Opinion / Tags: , , , , ,

Giving Birth and Being A Mom Not Always Safe

April 28, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / 2 comments

3553516632 716536231b z Giving Birth and Being A Mom Not Always SafeI have been pregnant twice in my life.

When I was pregnant the first time 20 years ago I was terrified to say the least. I had not planned on getting pregnant that summer in fact it was the farthest thing from my mind.  I had been raped and even though I had been given meds the morning after I still found myself pregnant.

At that time in my life I was an active Mormon (member of the Church of Latter Day Saints) and I would not think of abortion, but then I would of been a single young mom on my own and how would I ever tell a child of her or his conception. So I decided to give the child that was growing inside me up for adoption. As I looked through files of possible parents, I wondered what would become of this young being.

Well at 18 weeks in, my cervix suddenly opened. Nothing could be done to stop what was happening. It was a whirl of activity in the emergency room, and I was thankful I was in Canada where I could get the best of care. I lost the babe I was carrying, and was told it was unlikely I would ever carry a child to term.

Fast forward 7 years, I was a newly wed, excited about being a step mother to 3 awesome kids, and life was good or so I thought. Shortly after our honeymoon I figured out I was late. I sent my now ex husband to the store for a kit that confirmed my suspicions. I wondered would I lose this child too.  I sought medical care in rural New Mexico where I lived at the time. I was able to get great care again for which I am thankful, my pregnancy was well monitored. My first 14 weeks I was extra careful willing my babe in waiting to be patient. At 14 weeks they were able to sew my cervix shut so my babe would have a safe place to grow.

Even thought my pregnancy became even more high risk I still got the best care. I felt safe, and was able to deliver a beautiful daughter at 37 weeks.

Now why am I writing about my pregnancies?

Moms 4 Moms

Moms writing and supporting Every Mom Counts an organization that wants every mom to have a safe birthing experience.

Did You Know?

• There is one maternal death every 90 seconds.
• 15% of all pregnancies result in complications during labor and delivery and sometimes are fatal.
• Pregnancy is the biggest killer of girls ages 15-19.
• For every woman who dies in childbirth, 20 more suffer from debilitating complications.

And the most important thing

90% of these deaths were preventable, we have the knowledge!

What can we do? What can I a frugal mom do?

There are a few ways to lend a to Every Mom Counts. Tell your kids and hubby forgo the big gifts and the flowers and how about saving lives this Mother’s Day. Please do visit Every Mom Counts and see how you can count! A cell phone, a donation or even sharing the message all of it helps. Doesn’t every woman deserve to live when giving birth? You and me, all of us working together lets get this right, and help moms .

Category: Opinion / Tags: , , , , ,

The Issue of the Niqab

April 13, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / 9 comments

Right now because of what is happening in France with their Niqab law( a law that is squarely addressed only toward Muslim women) there is alot of debate and discussion going on. President Sarkozy would have one believe that he is trying to liberate the Muslim woman who is forced to wear the veil. Well how is what he doing liberating? By taking away choice, he demeans the Muslim woman. How so? He is forcing his beliefs onto them. How is that freeing? It isn’t.

I am a muslim woman. I am a convert to Islam. I do not wear the hijab or headscarf in English fulltime. I do have a great respect for those who do chose to cover especially here in the west. Why? Because here in the west we have many misconceptions still that are both voiced and unvoiced on a regular basis.

I have personally seen a woman wearing a hijab insulted at a bank here in Toronto by a bank manager. I just happen to be that Muslim woman. When wearing the hijab I a 10th generation Canadian have also been told to go home. I have had the looks, the comments, and yes even had the hijab ripped off me.

Women who wear niqab or hijab for that matter are simply practicing their faith as they best understand it. In a democracy we should have that right. When it comes to matters of faith there needs to be a separation of church and state. Most who choose niqab in the west are like me converts who as they try and walk closer to God find themselves taking up the niqab much like a nun might choose to wear the habit. Did you know Britain banned nuns for many years? Muslim women are not the first to take up the right to worship as they want. When a nun in habit first appeared back in Britian she was seen as a barbarian. Sound familiar?

Did you know historically until the 19th century the veil was NOT part of the average of the average Muslim woman’s life? Not even in the middle east.  It was done historically by the upper class. Till the British occupation many in Egypt were giving up the veil and moving freely amongst society. In fact it wasn’t until the British occupied Egypt that the veil came back into play. As well in the Quran and sunnah( the rules that Muslims follow) woman’s rights are very protected.

Why would a woman cover? Why do some chose it these days? Because they want to draw closer to God. They are not doing it the majority of cases out of force. Most women in the west who are niqabis chose it for themselves, and shouldn’t they have that right?

I am thankful for the constitution here in Canada that states we are free to worship as we see fit. This means if I ever wanted to wear a niqab I could. How I would be seen on the streets is a whole other question.

 

Category: Opinion, Uncategorized / Tags: , , ,

Food for Thought

March 24, 2011 / Common Cents Mom / No comments

picture 008 Food for Thought Read a scary stat today.

Food bank usage in Canada continues to rise.

With the cost of food increasing I can see why.

Pictured are the items that a food bank is always in need of, can I ask when was the last time you donated?

The Daily Bread Food Bank is about to start their spring campaign. It runs April 1st to 26th. Please do think of giving.

Category: Opinion, Uncategorized / Tags: , , , ,
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